RULE # 8: A CRAZY CAT PERSON MUST ASPIRE TO BE THE BEST

The advent of the internet has put a lot more pressure on Crazy Cat People. Better Crazy Cat People are discovered daily. No longer can you claim to be the best. There is proof out there that someone is better than you are!

I'd have to say that these two examples make me feel like I am only a Grade W Crazy Cat Person. These people are the cream of the crop, Grade A Crazy Cat People. I can only aspire to be like them:

I was a little disappointed in this video. It doesn't exactly give examples of how to massage a cat. But the cat is fabulous!!! It looks like it is in heaven. Or drugged. Either way, that looks like one happy/ drugged cat! (Except when she touches his tail. I'm not sure massage is for every cat. My parents cat used to attempt to gouge your eyes out if you tried to touch her tail or her belly.) Regardless, this is the perfect example of what a Crazy Cat Person should aspire to be!

This second example is my favorite and what I want to be when I achieve Crazy Cat Person Greatness:

Puss In Boots

(This was found of peopleofwalmart.com. It is a fabulous and extremely snarky site. (I love it!)) I WANT to be that person.

1) I have a black cat.
2) I like cheetos.
3) I have black boots.
4) I'm sure I could pick up pj's that look like those.

My only problem. There are no WALMARTs in NYC!!!

One can dream.

Rule #11: ALLERGIES DO NOT MATTER

Crazy Cat Ladies should NOT be allergic to their cats. Unfortunately, I seem to be. No matter!! The call of the warm, fuzzy belly is too great. The gravitational pull cannot be resisted! When one of my boyz sticks his belly up I MUST snoofle it. And then I begin to sneeze. And sneeze. And sneeze. And sneeze. And sneeze. And sneeze. And I don't stop until I take some Benadryl and pass out for the rest of the day. (Then a cozy nap with a warm cat curled up next to me is required. But that's besides the point!) Now, this doesn't happen every time I snoof a warm belly. It is a random occurrence, probably brought on by a combination of the belly and an environmental allergen. So, technically it's like Russian roulette. I take my chances.

Now some people would say, "Why are you subjecting yourself to this? Just get rid of the cats!" Ha ha ha! That's funny! A Crazy Cat Lady get rid of her cats?????!!!!! I think not. I would rather suffer through tons of sneezes than lose my boys!!

There are options available to me - Zyrtec being the best one for now. I could get shots, but at the moment I am weekly co-pay resistant. It may come down to that. There are also genetically engineered hypoallergenic cats that can be purchased for a mere $1,000+ and a waiting list!!! Or I could just get a naked cat. Hmmm - I could shave my cats!! Or get them waxed!!

PHENOMENON: CATS IN SINKS!

Yesterday evening I walked into my bathroom, turned on the light, and was greeted by a "Eeeerrrrp!" (translation: "Hey! Turn da light awf! I'm sleepin' heres!!!*") - GhenGus Khat.
* This translation is in lolspeak. If you are not familiar with it, please see Rule #6.


Gus is a petite, male tuxedo cat. His face is little. His paws are little. 'Cept he weighs around 13 lbs. (I don't think he will be offended if I post his weight for all the world to read.) He fills up the entire bathroom sink. It's the cutest thing ever!!! When he was a kitten he used to sit in the sink all the time. He has slowly grown to fit the sink. (If he gets any fatter, I will have to get a new sink.) Then one day he stopped doing it. I was sad, 'cause it's so adorable! And I didn't have any pics of him doing it. And as of yesterday, he seems to have started sink-sitting again. I tried to slowly get my iphone to take a pic of him, but he assumed that since I was walking in the direction of the kitchen, that I MUST be going to the kitchen. I have yet to catch the elusive Gus sink sitting. But it's true!! Really! And have I mentioned that it's super cute???


Most cats do not have an affinity for water. In fact, if you get a drop of it on Al - he bolts and holds a grudge for a few minutes. So one would ASS-UME that sinks (which have water) and cats would not mix.

Except for maybe this cat:



Now I know my cats are strange ("broken" according to a friend of mine.) Gus doesn't mind sitting in the sink after I have just used it. If you turn the water on while he is sittin' in the sink he doesn't react at first. And then he will slowly get up and leave. He sometimes drinks his water by sticking his paw in the water bowl and then licking his paw. (Yes, it's amazingly cute too!) So I ass-umed that he was a uniquely strange, broken cat. Then a few years ago, when I mentioned Gus' antics to someone, I was told about this website. Yes, there is an entire website devoted to pictures of Cats in Sinks!!! Apparently, cats love sinks!!! Who knew??!!!

What causes this phenomenon? One hypothesis is that the cat is a little toasty and it's cooler in the sink. Another is that a sink is a nice cozy place, thus the cat feels safe and snuggly when sleeping there. Perhaps it is due to a genetic defect, the "Cat Hates Water" gene is somehow mutated. Scientists and Crazy Cat Ladies are stumped. There is no known explanation for this strange occurrence.

As soon as I catch the elusive Gus in the sink, the pictures will be posted!
Oh yes, there will be pictures!!

Yes, Al - I know. Don't worry. I'll post about you too. And I'll include cute pics of you too. Soon. I promise!

RULE #6: YOU MUST BE FLUENT IN LOLSPEAK

In the beginning (Jan 11, 2007)there was this ground-breaking, pivotal, world-changing post:

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

AND THUS, LOLSPEAK WAS BORN.

The definition of LOLSPEAK, according to Urban Dictionary:

The official language of the lol cats, aka lawlcatz.Teh laguage was discovered when cats beggan attempting to speak the english language, to let their masters know what they desire, or to state events, they made possible.

In order to be a true Crazy Cat Lady you must be able to speak and read lolspeak.

-You must be committed to (as compared to being committed - that's just crazy!!) religiously reading icanhascheezburger.com.
When I say religiously, I mean at least 3x a day! They are always adding new posts so it never gets boring. This web site will make you awwww and ooooo and squee!!! (definition of squee! to be discussed later) All of the posts on this site will aid you in your quest to be fluent in lolspeak.
(An added bonus of this site is that if you are in a grumpy or sad mood - just visit cheezburger, start reading the posts - and voila! - your mood will improve - guaranteed!)

(Another added bonus is cheezburger has sister sites - ihasahotdog.com - about googies (dogs) and their escapades; http://punditkitchen.com/ - about current political events; learnfrommyfail.com - about people's darwinesque moves; and a ton more!!) These sites will give you something to do if you're bored at work, need a pick me up or need to feel better about yourself by laughing at other people!) But, I digress.

From time to time I may use lolspeak in these posts, so I figured you needed the tools in which to understand what the heck I am talking about! There is The Definitive Lolcats Glossary which can also help you understand lolspeak.

You must understand who Ceiling Cat and Basement Cat are.

Once you have mastered lolspeak, the world is you litter box!!!

(Yes, there will be a quiz!)

Disclaimer

This is my disclaimer - it was not suggested by my legal team (my friends who are lawyers). It's more of a WARNING.

WARNING: I will be discussing cats in this blog. I am a Crazy Cat Lady, therefore I will talk about cats and possibly reference all the cute stuff my cats do. (It's enough to make a semi-sane person run screaming.) While some of this blog may mention other things - it is about cats!!!

Other disclaimer - also not suggested by my legal team. It was suggested by my brain. (NO COMMENT PEANUT GALLERY!!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!)

I will be posting the requirements that MUST to be met in order to help you categorize/ identify a True Crazy Cat Lady (er-Person. I'm female so I may use the Lady word a lot. But this can always be applied to guys.) Just because someone calls themselves a Crazy Cat Lady, it doesn't mean that they actually are one. These rules are THE way you can identify a TRUE Crazy Cat Lady.

The rules will not be posted in order. I will post ones that I feel are most appropriate for the day. (This goes against my logical, orderly mind - but tough tushies!)

Additionally, I welcome and hope for comments/ suggestions. If you can sway me, some of the rules may be altered to accommodate an exception or situation that I may not have considered.

The above being said, we begin:

In the beginning ...

I'M A CRAZY CAT LADY!!!

That's right. You heard me.

I'm a crazy cat lady. (Just in case you weren't sure you read it right.)

Yes, there are specific rules that must be followed if one must consider themselves a crazy cat lady. You can't just up and decide you are one. (And yes, you can be male and be a crazy cat guy - but there are some addendums (yes, there are instances where non-defined words will apply) to some of the rules.)

This blog is to help you in your quest to become the craziest crazy cat lady (or guy) you can be.